Blitzball Battle V: Team Previews

Which team will hoist a banner?

As Blitzball Battle returns to YouTube for its fifth season of plastic battling plastic on concrete (with dust), we’re taking a look at the eight storied franchises and weighing their chances to claim a championship.

Team Baggage: Jimmy O’Brien & Jake Storiale

Heartbreak Heroes

In the Warehouse Cinematic Universe, Jimmy and Jake are our main characters. What is now a thriving multi-faceted competition started with this duo facing off armed with bat and blitzball in a dirty back alley in the Bronx, their only spectators dead rats and occasional passersby. As Rome had Romulus and Remus, the Warehouse Games has Jimmy and Jake. And, yes, I know Jimmy didn’t kill Jake in a dispute but I have reason to believe that at least one of them suckled from a wolf’s teat. 

Not always, though, do main characters end up the victors of their own tales. The Warehouse has moments of fairytale magic, but ultimately it is a place where fate conspires in the most cruel and vicious ways. And for Jimmy and Jake, their proud creation has largely served them only soul-crushing defeat, most of all in the marquee event Blitzball Battle. It all started with such promise in Blitzball Battle 1. Storiale’s exploits with the bat were so far ahead of the rest that it seemed unfair. O’Brien’s bat was hot, too, and his pitching was effective with his signature arcing curveball looping down from the heavens and perplexing batters. They ultimately fell in the final to the pair of former Major Leaguers of Forgotten Rotten, but coming from such humble beginnings there was absolutely no shame in coming up just short. After all, this was just the beginning, it was only going to be onwards and upwards from here. Right?

Wrong. Really, really, wrong. That which tantalized as a tale of triumph turned into a tragedy of tormenting twists and turns. Since falling to big league bullies in BB1 which fierce titans have crushed their dreams? Jolly Olive. Joez McFly. Dan Rourke. All three dispatched Baggage with brutal walk-off victories in successive tournaments. Two years ago at the end of BB1 this would have seemed incomprehensible. In some ways, it still does. 

After all that, Jimmy and Jake come into BB5 limping, weary and bruised. If it were a boxing match the referee would be considering waving it off before the first punch was thrown. The competition around them has intensified and flourished, whilst our two Heartbreak Heroes have wilted. But the story isn’t over. To quote Jake’s favorite band Chumbawamba: “I get knocked down, but I get up again. You are never gonna keep me down.”. Some say Jake has this tattooed on his inner thigh and I for one believe it. 

Team Baggage’s story isn’t one I can convey with stats and numbers, or by breaking down their matchups, strengths and weaknesses. This is about the journey. And many would say that the ending is already written, and that it will be just as cruel as the other chapters. And yet, in the Warehouse, magic exists. Anything can happen. Dreams can be made. And Baggage, no matter what the odds, have a chance to do something more magical than anything seen before on the holy concrete of the Warehouse. 

Do you believe in magic? Do they?

I don’t. 

Prediction: Eliminated in Quarter-Finals.

MacFlurry Power: Kyle MacDonald & Kollin Stone

The Champs

Next up we have the winners of Blitzball Battle 4: MacFlurry Power. In terms of baseball pedigree, MacFlurry are unmatched across the BB5 field outside of Trevor Plouffe and his 106 MLB home runs. Both college studs for Arkansas State, they came up just shy of cracking the pros but have spent much of their lives around the highest levels of baseball. These guys are legit, and they know it, even if they show it in different ways - KMac with his brash displays of ego and machismo contrasting with Stoner’s quiet and assured confidence. All in all, it should really be no surprise they come into BB5 as reigning champions and arguable favorites.

Whilst KMac will demand a lot of the focus and attention as the villain reveling in his roguish role, there is one question that may indeed decide the tournament: Can anyone hit Kollin Stone? 

The reigning MVP, Plastic Surgeon, and Bruised Body, Stoner is the man to beat for every competitor after allowing zero earned runs in BB4. In his last outing Stoner debuted a brutal combination of viciously rising and dropping pitches delivered from an angle that had his knuckles practically grazing the Warehouse floor. No one was comfortable at the plate and some even seemed relieved to be walking back to their chairs after striking out simply because it was over. So really, can anyone hit him this time around? With a more-than-able partner in K-Mac, and enough hitting nous to push across runs, if Stoner is still untouchable then so are MacFlurry Power. 

Prediction: Finalists.

Del Caribe: Joez McFly & Lou Dab

All Chem, No Banners.

There’s no avoiding it so we might as well get into it straight away. Even as I write this, tucked in my secret hideaway above the panels of the Warehouse ceiling, I hesitate. My usual stream of consciousness slows down. After all, how do I say this delicately? But let’s just face it: Joez McFly can’t pitch. We all love and cherish him, but he can’t pitch. Yet. For Del Caribe to succeed in BB5 this needs to be a new McFly. We know he wants it, we know he’s worked for it, but he needs to show us the goods. If he can’t get outs, Del Caribe are looking for miracles every game, it’s just that simple. 

That’s the narrative we all know. Hidden in the shadow of that narrative is another vital element to Del Caribe’s success, however. After crushing almost everything thrown to him in BB2 and BB3, Lou Dab faltered at the plate in BB4. Whilst he was no liability, and often short on opportunities, Lou looked human for the first time as a Blitzball hitter with only two extra-base hits. His standards are sky-high and, despite the slight wobble last time around, so will expectations be for Lou Da Banger. Del Caribe are a self-described hitting team, and even if Joez isn’t a complete zero on the mound the mailman needs to deliver. 

Prediction: Eliminated in Semi-Finals.

Forgotten Rotten: Trevor Plouffe & Shelfy

The Show

As Trevor Plouffe says all the time, “I f***king sleep here, this is my f***ing house, I sleep here.” And yet we are a long way removed from the era of Rotten dominance, especially in Blitzball. Back-to-back winner of Blitzball Battles 1 and 2 alongside Vinny Rottino, Trevor loves nothing more than to make it clear he knows he’s better than everyone else. Even during his occasional bouts of humility and sportsmanship, you can smell the superiority coming from him. He’s a pantomime villain and some love it, some accept it, and some hate it. But as Trev would say, the people that hate it are losers.

After what Chris Rose has at different times playfully described as “a contract dispute,” “gambling infractions,” and “legal difficulties,” Vinny Rottino did not return for Rotten in BB3 nor BB4. Instead Plouffe was paired first with Dan Rourke, and then his brother Marshall Plouffe. Little needs to be said about Rourke, genuinely I shouldn’t start going because if I do I’ll get lost in the whimsy of his existence and won’t stop. But suffice it to say that in terms of on-field production Rotten in BB3 were a one-man outfit. Similarly last time out, big brother Marshall struggled after coming in cold and picking up a blitzball for the first time. In both instances, it was all on Trev. And that’s where I think his look-at-me act became tactical, he felt he had to keep all attention on himself to keep pressure off his struggling comrades. Maybe I’m being generous. Maybe, as many would attest, he’s just an asshole. 

Now, though, Plouffe might believe he really has a partner again as Shelfy becomes his franchise companion. His Blitzball Battle debut long overdue after a lengthy road back from an Achilles torn during Ball in Play 1, Shelfy has the pedigree to support Trevor and bring Rotten back to their top dog status. They’ve both done big things in The Show (one in MLB and one on Xbox, whatever), and they can do big things in the Warehouse, too. 

Prediction: Finalists

We Got Ice: Jack Doyle & Zo DeMalia

Their Arms Hurt

Plouffe may crow about sleeping in the Warehouse, but these boys actually might. If I were them at this point when I saw a blitzball I would break down in tears. For some the game is a hobby, others a passion, but for the We Got Ice lad iit’s practically their life. All that being said, other than a winning effort in Blitzball Blitz, Jack and Zo have no prestige hardware to show for all their time spent throwing plastic at each other. 

They’ve been close, twice falling to eventual finalists in BB1&2, making the final themselves in BB3, before being beaten by a strong Love Yas team in a marathon BB4 game in which it was at last decisively proven that Tommy John is, in fact, Jack Doyle’s dad. Close doesn’t cut it, though, and this is a team hungry to get the monkey off their back and secure a victory that would send TikTok into rapturous scenes. 

As is so often the case, their success could come down to the performance of their lesser pitcher, Zo. Many would agree that no one has improved themselves more as a player than Zo, and much of his work has rested on his pitching. He’s come a long way from lobbing dollies in the general direction of the strike zone, but there are still wobbles, crises of confidence, and losses of accuracy, often at critical moments. Zo doesn’t need to blow anyone away this time around, but for We Got Ice to get over the hump we need to see stability and consistency from him. 

It’s not all on Zo to up his game, though. Whilst Doyle can and does wow us all with all he’s capable of on the mound, to make it all the way will take the kind of ruthless efficiency we saw from Kollin Stone previously. Jack often leaves Peter Moylan breathless in the booth after trying to break down his “pitch-mix,” but Stoner pretty much won BB4 off the back of just two pitches. Jack loves to entertain, and his pitch repertoire is a treat for the Warehouse Games audience. But to get to the promised land I think he needs to buckle down and blow batters away. 

Prediction: Eliminated in Quarter-Finals.

Love Yas: Nicky Cass & Dalton Feely

Wait, I swear I’ve seen that guy on TikTok!

For a long time, the dynamic of Love Yas was akin to Batman and Robin. Nicky Cass was the main man through and through and Dalton Feely was the wholesome sidekick. But this has been a year of change. Whilst Nicky was off “influencing” (or whatever he does), Dalton Feely made his mark in a successful Captain’s League campaign before playing a focal role in Love Yas lifting a banner in Ball in Play 2. Many have even called it “The Year of Dalton.” Boy Wonder no more, Dalton is now a Warehouse heavyweight. 

A true Year of Dalton, though, would culminate in a statement win in Blitzball Battle 5. We know what we’re going to get from Nicky. Strong pitching, big swings, a foul-mouth and overflowing sexual tension with Jake. What we get from Dalton though, especially on the mound, will decide if 2024 will be known as Feely’s year. In BB4 Dalton was a decent hitter, albeit with a few too many strikeouts, but the tale of the tape was mostly Cass blowing away batters and Dalton not being able to find the zone and close things out. Most notably of all in their semi-final exit to eventual champions MacFlurry Power, when Dalton suffered the ignominy of allowing a walk-off walk to succumb to a 1-0 defeat.

The Year of Dalton. Do you Feel it?

Prediction: Eliminated in Semi-Finals.

Woogas: Jimmy Knorp & Dan Rourke

The Only Team Who Have To Get Permission Slips From Their Mothers

Jimmy Knorp was a name heard whispered in dark corners of the Warehouse from its very birth. Even in Trevor Plouffe’s acceptance speech for BB2 MVP, rather than thanking the academy, his family, friends and supporters he instead barked “Bring on whoever, give me the pro Blitzball players. Who’s this Jimmy Knorp I keep hearing about? Give. Me. Him.” 

At last, in BB4, the fabled Knorp stepped out under the bright Warehouse lights, but how could he ever live up to the hype? In his first inning with the bat he faced off against the similarly vaunted Jack Doyle, almost a challenge for the throne of Warehouse hotshot. I don’t know what happened, because I spent the whole time looking at their glorious flowing hair, but apparently Knorp smashed a 3-run homer to announce himself with a bang. Just as everyone was asking themselves if a monster had been unleashed upon them all, in a blink Zo demolished Knorp’s first pitching inning for a record 3 home runs. Things looked rough for the shiny new wunderkind, and we thought maybe the Warehouse was gonna chew him up and spit him out. But in the end he crushed it; Knorp has been one of the hottest bats and best pitchers on concrete. Everything the boy touches turns to gold, and many have him as favorite for upcoming MVP honors.

You may have noticed I haven’t mentioned his partner yet. But give me a break, how am I supposed to preview Dan Rourke? I don’t know what the hell Dan Rourke is going to do. You don’t know what the hell Dan Rourke is going to do. Dan Rourke doesn’t know what the hell Dan Rourke is going to do. Besides being a shoo-in for a nomination for best mic’d up moment, anything could happen. Whatever he does though, I’m sure it will be a thing of beauty. 

Prediction: Eliminated in Quarter-Finals

Hookline Sinkers: Dan Canobbio & Drew Davis 

An Old Man and his Faithful Golden Retriever

What’s that sound? Do you hear that? I know what that is! That’s someone letting out a great groaning exhale when they sit down! That can only mean one thing! That’s right: Old Man Dan is back. 

After being runners-up in the last Battle, many wondered if Hookline would look the same this time around with beloved Dan Canobbio loading up his wagon and heading off from Jomboy Media in search of new wonders. Such fears were unfounded though, as the old gunslinger rides back into town to take another run at the competition. 

Much of Hookline’s chances will once again come down to their two-headed pitching attack which, like the team who thwarted them in the final, MacFlurry Power, brings them far more balance and control than some lopsided teams. With a no-frills approach and a lefty/righty combination they were both able to tally key outs, though Drew Davis did lose his accuracy at times. 

The rest of the field will be undoubtedly looking to adapt and catch up though, and with teams making it a point of emphasis we surely will see more balanced pitching efforts across the board. If so, will our Old Man Dan and puppydog Drew have enough killer edge with both bat and ball to keep up? To date every losing Blitzball Battle finalist has failed to make it past the quarter-finals in the following year, and I have a feeling in my gut that this trend could continue. 

Prediction: Eliminated in Quarter-Finals