Domination. Complete and utter domination. Humiliation, also.
The Minnesota Twins have lost 16 straight playoff games. Sixteen. We have been responsible for 13 of them. Thirteen.
We have also been smacking them around since 2003. We have faced them in the ALDS in 2003, 2004, 2009, 2010, and this year. WE WON EVERY SERIES.
We also faced them in the 2017 Wild Card game. WE WON THAT TOO.
For real though – holy fucking shit. This is the most accurate depiction of “having a team’s number.” They simply cannot touch us in the playoffs. It doesn’t even matter who the hell is playing.
It was in 2003 – when Derek Jeter was reigning supreme, Aaron Boone was at third, and the Core Fore was THRIVING. It was in 2009 – when the Core Fore was dwindling, and we just signed CC Sabathia, Mark Teixeria, and AJ Burnett to A LOT of money.
And it is 2019 – when the Baby Bombers are in full effect, CC was left off the ALDS roster, and we established the “Next Man Up” persona. It doesn’t matter who’s playing, what year it is, or what stadium we’re in (Old Yankee Stadium, Metrodome).
The New York Yankees DESTROY the Minnesota Twins.
Did you enjoy that nice soliloquy? Was that even a soliloquy? I guess it kinda was…if I spoke it aloud, as a monologue. Hey, guys – just imagine me reciting that whole spiel above ^^ There. Now it is a soliloquy…moving right along.
5-1 DUB in Minneapolis.
Cy Young Sevy was not at his best, but he still managed a very solid performance. And by “very solid performance” I mean that he gave us some goddamn heart attacks. But he persevered! Because he’s rusty…but he’s still goddamn Cy Young Sevy.
4 IP, 4 hits, 0 ER, 2 walks, 4 Ks.
Gley Baby gave us a 1-0 lead in the 2nd. Because he’s Gleyber. And he’s 22 years old. And he’s the fucking man.
In the bottom half, Sevy decided to scare all of us…He gave up a double, walk, and single REAL fucking quick.
Credit to me, though. I saw the impending “Houdini move” before it happened. I knew he was going to pull some magic out of his ass and get us outta the jam (if he didnt, I probably woulda been roasted on Twitter. The price you pay).
A pop out and two strike outs. AND SEVY GOT OUT OF IT.
Phew. Fuckin’ phew.
In the 3rd, we were able to tack on a second run thanks to well-placed single by Gardy Party. Brett Gardner, Brett Gardner, Brett Gardner. He’s not “what a guy, what a guy”…but he’s still a HELL of a guy.
Listen here, CashGod. If Brett Gardner is not on the 2020 roster, we will riot. Well, at least I will riot. That’s a promise…just so you know.
Sevy had a slightly shaky third, handled his biz in the fourth, and his day was done. And now – it was time for “Short Leash Boonie.”
Tommy K gets two outs in the 5th, but Boonie wants Otto and his slider to face Nelson Cruz. BOOM. You’re gone, Tommy.
Ottavino walks Nelson Cruz. BOOM. You’re gone, Otto. Boonie puts Chaddy “Is It The Chad?” Green in there…and he gets the job done.
Attaboy, Chaddy. Shout out to Crazy Boonie for his really, really, REALLY short leash.
Didi notched a RBI single to make it 3-0. We were cruising…well kinda. Then, of course, more heart attacks started to befall us.
Because it wouldn’t be Yankees playoff baseball without them…
Zack “With a K, Not an H” Britton was forced to leave the game after some ankle issues…and Aaron Boone handed the ball off to Aroldis Chapman. To. Get. Five. Outs. NOW, normally I’d be fine with this. But, ya never know.
Well, two quick outs by Chappie in the 8th and I was feeling better.
A solo homer from “defensive replacement and expert tweeter” Killa Cam Maybin made me feel even better.
Didi even added another RBI single because why the fuck not?!
Now Chappie could run back out to the mound, do some schoolyard bullshit, give up a couple baserunners in Classic Chappie form, and we wouldn’t have to be too worried.
Leadoff single AND a walk right after?
Okay, Chappie cut the shit. AND HE DID.
Retired the rest of the Twins 1-2-3, ruined their hopes and dreams, and, as I said above, continued their terrible and embarrassing losing streak.
POP THE CHAMPAGNE, WE’RE ONTO THE ALCS.
The Houston series starts tomorrow. I’ll be in attendance for Wednesday’s Game 4. I’m so goddamn pumped. Let’s fucking GO.
LET’S GO YANKS.
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