Happy 4th to all of you. This game wasn’t an easy one.

But when are things “easy” when JA Happ is on the bump? Nope, not calling him “Peanut Butta.” Or certainly not, “Mr. Consistency.” He’s a long ways away from earning those nicknames back. Sorry, JA.

He was actually very solid in this game, though! Look at old JA, trying to claw his way back into our good graces. Besides a RBI double in the first, the man was money. Which is good to know, because he’s so old that he was around before printed money even existed!


Bad joke? I apologize.

Back to Happer:

5.1 IP, 3 hits, 1 ER, 3 walks, 5 Ks. Attaboy, JA. Nope – not giving you your “Peanut Butta nickname back – yet. Maybe next week…

All kidding aside, hell of a performance from him. We needed that. Hell, he needed that too.

Our first run of the game was scored in the 3rd…thanks to Mike Ford and Mikey “Tick Tock” Tauchman?!


After Tauchman’s RBI single, Hicksy eventually hit him home with a RBI double. Love it.

You know what I also love?
Double E homers + parrot walk!!

Agent Zero Ottavino took over for Happer with an out gone in the 6th, and took care of bid-ness. That’s slang for “business.” Keep up…

Tommy K and Zack “With a K, Not an H” Britton followed up with shutout 7th and 8th innings, respectively.

3-1 lead heading into the 9th…and then? Chappie fucked up and blew the save.

Classic Chappie did not retire the batters after allowing a man on. He imploded.

Walk – strike out – RBI double – fly out – wild pitch RBI – single – single – walk…BASES LOADED…and he got out of it. Phew.

But the damage was fucking done, Aroldis! You blew the lead. Why couldn’t you be normal ‘Classic Chappie’ and give us all a heart attack but without any runs actually scoring? goddamnit.

It’s a very good thing that our offense is really, really, really GOOD.

In the 10th, after walks to Gio and Judgey, and a Gardy bunt single, DJ LeMahieu continued to the Machine that we all know and love. Fuck Manny Machado. Fuck Bryce Harper. WE SIGNED THE REAL MVP.

2 run single for DJ! 2 RUN LEAD.

Time for a little insurance, eh? But, not just any insurance. How about insurance that is 461 FEET.


Holy, holy, holy shit. What a BOMB.

Gary? DJ? Tauchman? We’ve got so many MVP candidates on this squad!

Moving on to the bottom of the 10th…

With the 5 run lead, Luis “He likes to make things difficult” Cessa had to give up another run. He also had to load the bases before ending this game.

Anything else would have been wayyyy too easy. But, the homie stopped fucking around and got out of it. We stormed into the Trop, gave ourselves multiple heart attacks, and walked away with an 8-4 DUB.

Game 2 coming up in just a few hours!


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